1. Having Dejan Lovren as your captain must be like having that mate who tries too hard at school as your class president.
2. Firmino’s ponytail is still boss.
3. Little Phil is back and the world is alright again.
4. Firmino, Coutinho and Mane. Looks tasty. As tasty as this bag of Doritos I’m stuffing my face with. (This picture is obviously from Google.) 
5. The pre-match music at Wigan’s ground is absolutely hideous.
6. Will Grigg plays for Wigan? Lord help us.
7. The red bandage-thing around Flanno’s wrist makes the lad look even more heroic.
8. As mentioned before, Flanno and I are best mates in my head. We gossip a lot and drink wine.
9. Speaking of Flanno, him playing as a left back is interesting. I always thought he plays better as a left-back than as a right back, but Klopp has never used him there before. I wonder if this is the boss having a look at what Flanno can do on that side.
10. You know, as a replacement for someone. Cough, Moreno, cough.
11. Awww. Wigan’s goal keeper is a scouser from Huyton. How nice.
12. The little magician hits the bar with his first free kick! Fuck off, PSG. Fuck. Right. Off.
13. Some desperate friendly-level defending from our lot. Pre-season won’t be complete without it.
14. Lovren is above the half way line. Is he becoming a midfielder, now that the Zielinski thing is off the table?
15. Looking forward to Sadio Mane just ripping through other teams’ full backs like mad.
16. This is a good time to mention that I am super high on caffeine. My face is numb, my fingers are tingling, and I think I’ve fallen a little bit in love with Jurgen’s new grey training kit.
17. The referee’s muscled upper body makes him look like The Thing in Fantastic Four.
18. What happened to black football boots? Black isn’t so bad, you know.
19. The woodwork again for little Phil! A gem, he is. I don’t care what anyone says, Mesut Ozil can kiss his boots.
20. These Doritos are the business. Now I need to go do a thousand push-ups to clear my conscious.
21. We need centre backs who can head the ball into the back of the net more than once during a season. Where have these centre backs disappeared to?
22. There’s a nice lull in the game, which is broken by Karius (possibly) catching the ball outside his penalty box. The lad is unfazed, while I am fazed by the green brightness of his kit.
23. Ejaria is no longer Messi in this game. He’s more like Jordon Ibe on acid.
24. Finally! Something happens! A mistake by Karius! Oh, how the internet will roar!
25. There is another lull. Instagram is your friend in such moments.
26. Seeing the new Ghostbusters tomorrow. Just throwing it out there.
27. Someone just score. Please.
28. No Bogdan for the second half. And in other news, the world is still round.
29. Lucas should be staying at Liverpool. Until he’s thirty-four and can’t run at all. Or until he is forty  and can’t walk straight.
30. Andre Wisdom’s head is very shiny.
31. Is Ben Woodburn Iniesta in disguise?
32. I have totally given up on anyone scoring.
33. Why does Trent Alexander-Arnold have “Alexander” on the back of his shirt? Shouldn’t it be “Alexander-Arnold”? Or just “Arnold”? Can it just be “Trent”?
34. Joel Matip does a beautiful tackle inside our own penalty box. Can’t decide if this means Matip is good, or if it means the Wigan player is shit.
35. I should exercise more, instead of lying in bed eating.
36. Danny Ings scores! Resilient little bugger.
37. Matip’s legs are long and elegant. Like a spider’s.
38. 2-0. Woodburn is DEFINITELY Iniesta in disguise.
39. Let’s buy Wigan’s Wildschut for 10 million pounds.
40. Matip hobbles off. This is why we can’t have nice things.
41. It’s over. At least this time Kloppo is smiling. Up the Reds. We are winning the league with Ben Woodburn.

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